Friday, 6 February 2009

my faith in you is fading.

Okay, I can't believe all I do on here is outpour angst, but do you know what?
Tonight I realised that right now I have nowhere else to turn.

My two best friends are fighting over something ridiculous - and the fight's beeen brewing forever. What it is? Basically L told P something which he passed on to D who told H. Yeah, confusing. H has been pissy ever since L and P got together because she doesn't like him, has been feeling left out, and yes, we have been bitching about it. [I don't want to think about my motives because, to be frank, I'd rather not think about anything.] But at first when I heard from H it looked like she was in the right - like we'd been right. But L is so upset and it's understandable when you hear exactly what H was saying to her.

Right now? I feel like they're both liars and hypocrites and I'm a little fucking sick of it.
Everyone in my life right now is either one or both.

I want something pure. Something I can see, something tangible but untouchable, untouched. I need a little faith. I need to be able to look at other people holding it together and not think i want but instead i have this too.

I'm so scared there's something wrong with me, something seriously wrong - everything feels like it's spinning out of my control and I'd love to be able to run away, to hide from the world because right now everything just feels like a little too much. It feels like I'm feeling way too much, like every emotion of anger and hurt and betrayal that's floating unsaid in the world is resting on me tonight and I just can't handle it, not anymore.

I've been looking after everyone since I was young, someone put that burden on me when I was too young to know any better and I've been afraid ever since.

I'm okay, I am.
Just... tonight, I'm not as okay as I'm pretending.