Saturday, 16 May 2009

so gimme gimme revolution.

I am done done done.
[with exams that is.]

Summer starts NOW.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

don't you remember when i was a bird and you were a map?

I am going to stay up as long as it takes to get this damn uni shit done today/early tomorrow.

Then, I'm going to study for my exams.

And finally, when my exams are done I'm going to go on a creative craze - writing every day, at least 100 words, trying out epic stories, 3,000 and up, drawing, you name it.

This summer will be epic.
I'm sure of it.

Monday, 6 April 2009

where do you see yourself in 10 years time? they always ask.

i saw the end today in a glass of water. i'd picked it up from the sea, and there it was - the end of the world. all the scientists, all the theorists, all the intellegence and affluence in the world couldn't save us. but maybe they didn't want to be saved. maybe existing is too goddamn hard. so if surviving doesn't scare me like it should, the end of the world should be nothing. right?

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

i swear i'd burn this city down to show you the light.

“Promise me,” he said, “just promise me.”

He should know more than most that promises aren’t worth the words they’re made with, the lives they’re sworn on.

I learned a long time ago that lies make just as valid promises as gospel truth.

He was gripping my arm, through urgency or desperation I guess I’ll never know. I saw both in his eyes that night and every time I traced the marks that grip had left on my arm.

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen that urgency, that raw need, and nothing in my life could have prepared me for the intensity of it. It was almost as though he was amazed I would be with him, constantly waiting for me to turn around and say I’d made a mistake. Truth be told, I thought the same thing. How could someone like him possibly be interested in someone like me? That’s why I held back, why I could never show him how I felt. I was so convinced that any minute he would realise that he could do so much better, deserved so much better than I could give him, that I couldn’t lie to him… just couldn’t force the words past my lips.

When I said nothing he walked away. Didn’t understand that my silence was my very own brand of promise, one that would keep a lot longer than the words of reassurance he needed to hear.

He thought I said nothing because I was done with us, that I’d finished caring.

I’ll make sure he never knows the truth. I’ll keep telling myself it’s better off this way.

Maybe I’ll tell myself one too many lies and end up at the truth.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

kick on the beat and bring on the bass.

I love Charmed.

That's all for today.


Sunday, 15 February 2009

This post should hopefully be free of angst.
Maybe not writing-angst, but general, real life angst.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow =D
But have to go to uni first and hear about family law =( boo hoo.
Haven't been to that lecture in... 4 weeks though, so, as always, interesting.

So life's maybe a little confusing, but i'm coming to realise that on the grand scale of things? - i kinda like it that way. This not knowing exactly how things are going to pan out makes me feel a little better about not being able to control everything. [i know, but the theory works in my head.]

Just one dark patch right now.
That's out of my control too. I have no clue what to do - I am not the person who's equipped to deal with these kind of situations.

But anyway.
6 hours of uni this week - and week 6 of 11.

Time for a roadtrip to st andrews methinks. This weekend y/n?

Ah, law ball the weekend after - could things get interesting? Let's hope so. *smiles evilly*
The plans, the plans.

Friday, 6 February 2009

my faith in you is fading.

Okay, I can't believe all I do on here is outpour angst, but do you know what?
Tonight I realised that right now I have nowhere else to turn.

My two best friends are fighting over something ridiculous - and the fight's beeen brewing forever. What it is? Basically L told P something which he passed on to D who told H. Yeah, confusing. H has been pissy ever since L and P got together because she doesn't like him, has been feeling left out, and yes, we have been bitching about it. [I don't want to think about my motives because, to be frank, I'd rather not think about anything.] But at first when I heard from H it looked like she was in the right - like we'd been right. But L is so upset and it's understandable when you hear exactly what H was saying to her.

Right now? I feel like they're both liars and hypocrites and I'm a little fucking sick of it.
Everyone in my life right now is either one or both.

I want something pure. Something I can see, something tangible but untouchable, untouched. I need a little faith. I need to be able to look at other people holding it together and not think i want but instead i have this too.

I'm so scared there's something wrong with me, something seriously wrong - everything feels like it's spinning out of my control and I'd love to be able to run away, to hide from the world because right now everything just feels like a little too much. It feels like I'm feeling way too much, like every emotion of anger and hurt and betrayal that's floating unsaid in the world is resting on me tonight and I just can't handle it, not anymore.

I've been looking after everyone since I was young, someone put that burden on me when I was too young to know any better and I've been afraid ever since.

I'm okay, I am.
Just... tonight, I'm not as okay as I'm pretending.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

welcome to the new administration.

Long time no see little blog.

Unioning things tonight - Strathclyde though, boo.
[Mind you, I will not complain about 99p drinks. Ever. I think it actually might be a commandment. 'Thou shalt not mock unions if they give thee alcohol for 99 good sterling pence.' Whatever.]

Almost stressing about uni work, but I'm trying not to - thinking of the happy place.

"I asked him once you know," I say, and her head shoots up, "I asked him if he'd ever been in love." She moves instinctively closer, like she knows whatever he answered will have hurt, that intangible ache - a papercut for the soul. "At first he bullshitted, all that posturing, 'what is love?' and all the rest. And then he told me he truly believed that love was just more proof of the flawed design of humanity."

"Oh baby, I'm sorry," she breathes, and I go to laugh but it comes out in a sharp exhale.

"You want to know how I replied? I agreed. I sold myself out just to cover my own secret. I told him I'd only ever been in love with a shot glass and my reflection. You know why? Because he
is in love with her and it's easier to destroy anything he feels for me than think about how he does love me too - just not enough."

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

everyone I know, they faked it from the word go and I need to know why.

He thinks that's what happens when you let your heart win.

You can lose everything you ever wanted in a single moment if you don't painstakingly filter every word you think, never mind say.

If you don't have to fight it every step of the way?

It's not love.

Saturday, 24 January 2009

pop the cheap champagne, we're going down in flames.

In the library at uni right now... my group exercise is sitting next to me and I'm just touching it in the hope that the knowledge on how to answer it will absorb into my skin.

And I forgot I have work to do for my tutorial tomorrow. Crap.

I'm still ill though, feeling sorry for myself and the rest of it.

I've got a group meeting in half an hour and I'm going to spend that time writing - I'm not doing it enough these days. It's like this odd kind of inertia - I can think, god can I think of the stories I'd write, but sit me down with a pen or a computer and I can't figure it out. Don't have the energy to figure it out.

basking here in stockholm sunshine
they call it a syndrome but i'm not convinced.

the time you wait all week for
it's your turn now on friday night
you lean in close, time for the kill
it's been a bitch of a week and it's time to fight.

hollow lies and heartbreak skies;
is this what you're jealous of?

Thursday, 22 January 2009

where will all the martyrs go when the virus cures itself?

I really needed a new blog anyway, so this is the prefect opportunity.

Any other blog I've started has always ended up being a writing one, so I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum in this one. Living in my head is not an option.

I'm... confused. I had a day today like none I've ever had, and I'm what I've always despised.

We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.
I loved this phrase from Obama's speech. There was something about it, something uncompromising that appealed to me.

I'll try and update often and hopefully less cryptically, morbidly and randomly than this.