Tuesday, 24 February 2009

i swear i'd burn this city down to show you the light.

“Promise me,” he said, “just promise me.”

He should know more than most that promises aren’t worth the words they’re made with, the lives they’re sworn on.

I learned a long time ago that lies make just as valid promises as gospel truth.

He was gripping my arm, through urgency or desperation I guess I’ll never know. I saw both in his eyes that night and every time I traced the marks that grip had left on my arm.

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen that urgency, that raw need, and nothing in my life could have prepared me for the intensity of it. It was almost as though he was amazed I would be with him, constantly waiting for me to turn around and say I’d made a mistake. Truth be told, I thought the same thing. How could someone like him possibly be interested in someone like me? That’s why I held back, why I could never show him how I felt. I was so convinced that any minute he would realise that he could do so much better, deserved so much better than I could give him, that I couldn’t lie to him… just couldn’t force the words past my lips.

When I said nothing he walked away. Didn’t understand that my silence was my very own brand of promise, one that would keep a lot longer than the words of reassurance he needed to hear.

He thought I said nothing because I was done with us, that I’d finished caring.

I’ll make sure he never knows the truth. I’ll keep telling myself it’s better off this way.

Maybe I’ll tell myself one too many lies and end up at the truth.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

kick on the beat and bring on the bass.

I love Charmed.

That's all for today.


Sunday, 15 February 2009

This post should hopefully be free of angst.
Maybe not writing-angst, but general, real life angst.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow =D
But have to go to uni first and hear about family law =( boo hoo.
Haven't been to that lecture in... 4 weeks though, so, as always, interesting.

So life's maybe a little confusing, but i'm coming to realise that on the grand scale of things? - i kinda like it that way. This not knowing exactly how things are going to pan out makes me feel a little better about not being able to control everything. [i know, but the theory works in my head.]

Just one dark patch right now.
That's out of my control too. I have no clue what to do - I am not the person who's equipped to deal with these kind of situations.

But anyway.
6 hours of uni this week - and week 6 of 11.

Time for a roadtrip to st andrews methinks. This weekend y/n?

Ah, law ball the weekend after - could things get interesting? Let's hope so. *smiles evilly*
The plans, the plans.

Friday, 6 February 2009

my faith in you is fading.

Okay, I can't believe all I do on here is outpour angst, but do you know what?
Tonight I realised that right now I have nowhere else to turn.

My two best friends are fighting over something ridiculous - and the fight's beeen brewing forever. What it is? Basically L told P something which he passed on to D who told H. Yeah, confusing. H has been pissy ever since L and P got together because she doesn't like him, has been feeling left out, and yes, we have been bitching about it. [I don't want to think about my motives because, to be frank, I'd rather not think about anything.] But at first when I heard from H it looked like she was in the right - like we'd been right. But L is so upset and it's understandable when you hear exactly what H was saying to her.

Right now? I feel like they're both liars and hypocrites and I'm a little fucking sick of it.
Everyone in my life right now is either one or both.

I want something pure. Something I can see, something tangible but untouchable, untouched. I need a little faith. I need to be able to look at other people holding it together and not think i want but instead i have this too.

I'm so scared there's something wrong with me, something seriously wrong - everything feels like it's spinning out of my control and I'd love to be able to run away, to hide from the world because right now everything just feels like a little too much. It feels like I'm feeling way too much, like every emotion of anger and hurt and betrayal that's floating unsaid in the world is resting on me tonight and I just can't handle it, not anymore.

I've been looking after everyone since I was young, someone put that burden on me when I was too young to know any better and I've been afraid ever since.

I'm okay, I am.
Just... tonight, I'm not as okay as I'm pretending.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

welcome to the new administration.

Long time no see little blog.

Unioning things tonight - Strathclyde though, boo.
[Mind you, I will not complain about 99p drinks. Ever. I think it actually might be a commandment. 'Thou shalt not mock unions if they give thee alcohol for 99 good sterling pence.' Whatever.]

Almost stressing about uni work, but I'm trying not to - thinking of the happy place.

"I asked him once you know," I say, and her head shoots up, "I asked him if he'd ever been in love." She moves instinctively closer, like she knows whatever he answered will have hurt, that intangible ache - a papercut for the soul. "At first he bullshitted, all that posturing, 'what is love?' and all the rest. And then he told me he truly believed that love was just more proof of the flawed design of humanity."

"Oh baby, I'm sorry," she breathes, and I go to laugh but it comes out in a sharp exhale.

"You want to know how I replied? I agreed. I sold myself out just to cover my own secret. I told him I'd only ever been in love with a shot glass and my reflection. You know why? Because he
is in love with her and it's easier to destroy anything he feels for me than think about how he does love me too - just not enough."